Ten days without a sip of alcohol is a suitable point at which to review progress. I can report that I am as equable and pleasant as ever I was, which is very equable and very pleasant. I have detected no feelings or displays of irritability, and others have not reported any. Granted, I have not left the house this month and have only communicated verbally with my wife, and that through door of the cupboard in the laundry. We take it in turns to occupy its comforting dark spaces when the sunlight gets too much. She’s febfasting too.
With reference to the specific benefits I promised, here’s how I’m going.
- Weight loss. Yes indeed, I have lost the weights so I am doing no load bearing exercise. I do seem to have lost a kilo or so, according to the scales, but they’re electronic and very variable. I have to get on and off several times to get a consistent reading and even then I don’t trust it. I’ve noticed that if I use them before and after peeing I always put on a couple of hundred grams. This suggests either faulty scales or an explanation for where the dark matter in the universe has gone: it sneaks into my bladder while I’m having a pee. You can test this hypothesis for me on your own scales: let me know the results.
- No hangovers. Yup, tick that one off. I do seem to feel pretty good in the morning, when I finally get out of bed. When I do get to sleep the sleep is undisturbed and lengthy, a bit too long really. I was out for nine and a half hours on one night.
- The saving of money. I can’t give you an estimate but this is also a definite yes, even counting the cost of three Soda Stream replacement cartridges.
- Better sleep. I’m holding judgement on this one. On several nights I have been revisited by the scourge of my youth: insomnia. I’d forgotten how awful it is to feel tired but to lie awake thinking utter nonsense as repetitive idiocies bounce around my brain. I tried counting sheep again and realised what a stupid notion that is. Whoever though that could help? To start with, what are they doing while I count? I did them jumping over a gate because I saw that in a children’s book once. That’s OK for a few sheep but in no time one of them can’t make it and I have to give it a leg up. Then another falls on landing yet the others don’t stop, running all over it with their pointy feet and it starts squealing. I think it’s broken a leg and by the time I get it out of harm’s way it’s got more broken bones and its fleece is bloodied as it tries to drag itself along the ground, gasping for air. I have to put it out of its misery but I can’t find a farmer with a gun. All I’ve got is a big lump of rock from the dry stone wall (I think these are Lancashire sheep) which I use to whack it on the head. Very gruesome. And I lose count of the sheep so have to start again, though that’s no good because there’s no chance of getting a kip straight after murdering a fluffy lamb with a chunk of paddock divider.
- An improved sex life. Well, yeah, wow. Indeed, WOW! I won’t go into details because you’ll only get overexcited or jealous. For a general idea of the impact I refer you to another of Ezra Q Nodes’ works, “How the Pharmacy Ran Out Of Lubricant: An Octogenarian’s Discovery Of Viagra”.
- General all-round health improvement. Too early to say but I’ll let you know when the Doctor reports. I have managed to cycle 80 K in a day since I started not drinking, and yesterday I laid some concrete. Maybe I’m fitter. Or maybe the weather is conducive.
 All references to sexual activity are included for marketing purposes only and may be entirely false.
 Published by Pfizer, free downloadable e-book. http://www.pfizer.com/files/research/iir_information.pdf