Febfast: Why?

The Health Science Gurus in England have declared that we should cut back to no more than 14 units of alcohol a week. I’ve not yet got down to the 28 units that was their limit before. 14 units I consume in my daily nightcap, never mind the rest.

So, to do myself some good and to prove I am not addicted, I’m thinking of joining in. I know I can do a day without booze because I do so now and then, but I can’t recall the last time I went for two days; or a week, never mind a month. Well, actually I think a month would have been when I was about 18. For a while after coming of alcohol age I used to go into pubs with my mates and order a pint of lemonade. I thought I looked cool. Barpersons, I seem to remember, did not agree: there was even some open sniggering. This manifestation of cool did not last long and I reinvented myself with pints of brown and mild. In retrospect, that seems decidedly old lady-ish.

So, an alcohol-free month is probably well overdue.

By way of self-persuasion, I’ve been listing some of the benefits.

  • Weight loss. There’s a lot of calories alcohol. For example, a stubby of beer is 140 calories or 590 kilojoules[1]. I can see my flabby belly falling away already. This may be the way I am sitting.
    Weight is only lost if the alcohol is not replaced with something as calorific e.g. a cup of tea, with 9 spoons of sugar. Well stirred.
  • No hangovers. Initial withdrawal effects may include minor headaches, stomach pains and a tendency to burst into tears. Long term effects may include loss of friends and the discovery of your true depressive personality.This may not be considered a benefit by everyone, but I think truth is a great liberator. One can take satisfaction from the fact that one is now living an authentic life.
  • The saving of money. Alcoholic beverages are quite costly. Savings can be spent of something to cheer yourself up.
  • Better sleep. No more drifting in and out of sleep in the middle of the night, knowing you’re going to have to get up for a pee but fooling yourself that if you could just get back to sleep you’d get through to the morning. And eventually getting up anyway. Or getting through to the morning and waking up to a really big damp patch.
  • An improved sex life[2]. Experience firmer and more long-lasting erections[3] without taking Viagra or having a full bladder. Avoid the inconvenience of seduction interruption caused by drunken belching. Wake up with a stranger and remember who they are. Wake up with your wife and remember she’s not a stranger.
  • General all-round health improvement and enhanced longevity due to the above, plus not getting beaten up by strangers you insulted under the influence. Note that such improvement may be negated if, in a bid to remove temptation, you consume all of the booze in your home immediately before the start of February. Indeed, should the quantity be large it may result in death from alcohol poisoning. While this would guarantee a successful Febfast, it’s not really in the spirit of things.

[1] I prefer to lose calories as kilojoules were invented by the French, jealous of the fine English language. They are named after Joules Verne, the notorious French necrophile who, discovered digging in a graveyard, claimed he was taking a journey to the centre of the earth. So convincing was his story that the gullible Gendarmerie not only let him go but also introduced him to a publisher. There followed a successful career as a silly story writer from which little good came, not counting some cool illustrations of the Nautilus in the DC comic, The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, later an alright movie.

In another movie, ninety-eight years after his death. Captain Nemo was reincarnated as a colourful fish.

[2] There is no real scientific evidence in support of this but I include it for marketing purposes: you’re going to need an incentive. I’m sure Febfast would support an application for study funding. I claim a citation on any published papers as it is my idea.

[3] Alcohol consumption can cause droopy dicks. Those of you not abstaining from alcohol, or even suffering from age-related floppiness, need not despair. For an enlightening approach to this condition I recommend reading Ezra Q Nodes’ seminal work, “A Soft Cock Is A Thing Of Beauty: Living With Penile Limitations”. The hardback edition has excellent finger exercises in an appendix.